Parenting is Tough

The Mentor Mindset

Half term is done. And if I’m honest, parenting a teenager and a pre-teen has been one of the greatest tests of everything I believe about coaching, leadership, and human development.

It’s one thing to talk about standards and support in a boardroom. It’s another when it’s your own children pushing boundaries, testing patience, and forcing you to confront your instincts.

Recently, I’ve been leaning back into my work with business leaders and the concept of the facilitative environment, developed by Mustafa Sakar. His model is simple, but profound: people perform at their best when they experience both high support and high challenge.

This aligns closely with the Support–Challenge Matrix developed by Ian Day and John Blakey. Different language, same truth:

Low challenge, low support → inertia and apathy

Low challenge, high support → comfort zone

High challenge, low support → stress and fear

High challenge, high support → performance, growth, flourishing

The sweet spot is clear: people grow when they are both supported and stretched.

But what struck me most recently is how powerfully this applies to parenting.

What About Parenting?

The work of David Yeager, one of the leading researchers on motivating young people aged 10–25, reinforces this exact principle. He frames it through mindset.

He poses a deceptively simple diagnostic question:

Given that young people are ____________, the best way to motivate them is to ____________.

Your answers reveal your underlying beliefs — and those beliefs shape your behaviour.

If you believe young people are fragile, you protect.

If you believe they are defiant, you control.

If you believe they are capable of growth, you mentor.

Yeager describes the optimal position as the Mentor Mindset:

High standards. High support.

Not enforcer. Not protector. Mentor.

And I’ve found it helpful to bring these environments to life through characters we instantly recognise.

High standards, low support — The Enforcer

This is Darth Vader.

An environment driven by fear and control. Yes, it can produce short-term results. But at the cost of trust, ownership, and long-term growth.

High support, low standards — The Protector

This is Marlin, Nemo’s dad, at the start of the film.

Loving, devoted, and caring — but so driven by fear that he limits growth. He steps in too quickly. He protects instead of prepares.

High standards, high support — The Mentor

For me, this is Captain America.

Relentless in his pursuit of excellence, yet deeply committed to his people. He challenges them, but he stands beside them. He holds the line, but never withdraws his support.

This is who I try to be in my coaching.

This is who I try to be in leadership.

And this is who I try to be as a parent.

I fail, regularly.

But having this reference point matters. It allows me to pause and ask:

Am I protecting because of my fear?

Am I controlling because of my ego?

Or am I mentoring because of my belief in their potential?

The environments we create shapes the people within them — whether in business, sport, or at home.

Love without standards limits growth.

Standards without love limit trust.

But together, they unlock potential.

In the end, we are all trying to do our best for our kids I I hope these email give you time to reflect to continue being the champion they need.

Forged by sport. Built for life.